Summary
Mostly (I say mostly, because it shoots itself in the foot at the end, and no, I don't just mean the completely obvious twist in the final seconds. For more details, please read my rant.), just like Texas Chainsaw Massacre but with cool camera tricks, a bitchin' soundtrack, and less interesting female leads. Blood gushes, girls scream, boys scream, boobies are bared, classic horror films are unapologetically imitated, corpses, maniacs, and genetic freaks abound. Horror at its most raw and vicious. Sit back and wallow in the gore. In my case, I also did a bit of wallowing in the pile of popcorn that Barbara May spilled on me, but I don't think that had any significant impact on my enjoyment of the film.
Warning! Spoilers ahead!
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Barbara's Rant
I was sooooo on board with this movie! An animatronic clown, maniacs wearing pumpkins on their heads, fantastical taxidermy, slo-mo, occult symbols carved in virgin flesh, well-meaning small town cops tossing their cookies, juvenile, humorous T-shirt slogans, art and crafts projects made of human skin and bones, premature burials, split screens, and amateur talent night at the crazy house! This movie had it all! I was one hundred percent in this movie's corner . . . and then those guys jumped up out of the well and it all came crashing down!
Was there a crossed signal from "The Terminator"? Is that what happened? Why was Dr. Satan a cyborg? And I'm not at all impressed with the army of supermen he's supposed to be building! Most importantly of all - why did it all of a sudden turn into another movie altogether? I liked the first movie. Heck, I loved the first movie! (I love "The Terminator," too, but that's neither here nor there.) Even the camerawork was completely different. What happened to the fun stuff - the music videos, the split screens, the pinup girls from the fifties? The raw rage, the bestial amorality, the ethereal delight in the fundamental acts of murder and torture - all these, so abundant in most of the movie, were suddenly and severely undercut by the twin unwarranted intrusions of technology and motive. The machines and the robotic hitman of Dr. Satan were diametrically opposed to the earthy, animal spirits of the murderous clan. Having already willing ceded my moral sanity to the sheer joy of torture and blood and death for their own sakes, the last thing that I wanted was some sort of complicated justification involving lobotomies and clumsy cybernetic super-armies! The only reason that I am able to accept the fact that this demented family has, apparently for years and years, been able to indiscriminately slaughter anyone unlucky enough to catch their attention without fear of redress or retribution is because they exist on an entirely separate moral plane from the rest of us. They do not defy prevailing moral standards, rather they actively destroy the very conception of any moral standard at all. Their utter lack of any moral guiding principles whatsoever has actually lifted them beyond the physical influence of the forces of peace and law that exist upon the plane where most of us reside. (Please note that I am speaking of these planes merely in terms of the internal logic of horror movies. I do not believe that complete amorality is either a justification for murder or a protection against punishment in the real world.) The family is beyond the control of humanity in the same way that H. P. Lovecraft's Old Ones are beyond the control of humanity, because, like the Old Ones, they do not admit to the possibility that any kind of meaningful moral code could even exist.
Dr. Satan destroys this protective bubble in which the rest of our maniacs reside because Dr. Satan has a motive. Dr. Satan has a motive which is connected to the real world. Not a sane motive, mind you, what with the awkward cybernetic super-killers, but a concrete motive, nonetheless. This motive drags him and the rest of his cohorts (for so the rest of the killers must be interpreted as they aid and abet him in his endeavors by supplying him with victims) back down into the physical world with the rest of us and with the officers of law and order who must exist not far from the site of these atrocities. It suddenly becomes inconceivable that their activities have not been investigated ere now. The logical underpinnings of the movie come unglued.
Even supposing that you do not agree with my interpretation of the family's position in the universe (But how could you not? I elucidated it so clearly! Plus, I think Otis would probably back me up.) it's pretty obvious that not only the plot, but also the style of the movie alters drastically, inexplicably, and for the worse at the moment that our heroine enters the catacombs. Why, Rob Zombie, why!?
I would like to propose an alternative ending, which both Barbara May and I were expecting. It wouldn't solve all the problems because it doesn't take effect until after our heroine (I believe her name is Denise.) has traversed the tunnel of corpses and vertigo camera effects and finds herself in the ossuary outside the door to Dr. Satan's chamber. (Incidentally [Barbara May pointed this out. I can't take credit, but she's absolutely right.] isn't it interesting that ossuaries of this type are universally portrayed in films as perverted travesties of real churches, yet historically, they were frequently built in real churches, with reverence and with great sincerity. It is we, the denizens of the modern world, with our distance from, and squeamishness towards, death who have turned them into symbols of horror and madness.) Returning to the subject at hand, both Barbara May and I expected at this point that she would pass through the door and find herself in Captain Spaulding's murder ride. Not only would this have been more in keeping with the previous spirit of the movie than Dr. Cybernetic Satan, it would have established a much more plausible link between Spaulding and the crazies than did the actual end of the movie. What, did he just happen to be tooling around the back roads with Otis taking a nap in the back of his car?
On an entirely new topic, I would now like to take up the issue of character. I have heard it said that there exist certain types of movies, which do not require coherent, clearly defined characters. The usual movie genres to which this statement is applied are pornos and slasher movies. I'm not really qualified to argue the issue as it relates to porno movies because I've only ever seen a few minutes of one hard core porn movie and that was years ago when I was a freshman in college. At the time, I found it rather upsetting, but then, I wasn't exactly sober. I will say, though, that I am much more interested in seeing someone that I can identify with being impaled on a meat hook, and I imagine that the same would hold true if she were being impaled on something a bit more pleasant, if you catch my drift. I'm not saying that one cannot enjoy watching an utterly generic character being chopped up with a machete, I'm just saying that I, for one, would rather watch a well defined character being chopped up with a machete. In terms of this movie, the odd thing to me about the characters is that while the males are, without exception, interesting and distinct characters, the women are completely indistinguishable! Mind you, I'm not advocating cutting down on the bloodshed and mayhem in favor of more character development. Goober is a perfect example of how even a minor character can be appealing and interesting in a very brief screen appearance. For the three or four minutes that Goober was on the screen I found him both amusing and pathetically endearing. The two lead women were, by contrast, absolutely identical - physically, emotionally, and in every other way. Also, I can in no way understand why these women - shallow, dull, pop culture standards of beauty - and these men - geeky, irresponsible, vaguely charming in a creepy kind of way - would even be associating with each other, let alone dating!
I have seen ample evidence to convince me that it is, in fact, extremely difficult to write convincing, consistent characters. I have even had some personal experience with the problem in my creative writing classes in junior high. If the characters in this movie were universally boring and pointless, I would not be in the least surprised or confused, but the male characters are evidence that Rob Zombie is perfectly capable of crafting realistic, likeable personalities. I have come up with two possible explanations for the male/female discrepancy, neither of which I find satisfactory.
Solution number one - Contrary to my firm beliefs, there really is that significant a difference between men and women, making it virtually impossible for a man to write realistic female characters. All of my personal experiences with people contradict this hypothesis, but I realize that a great many people hold to it very strongly. In this solution, Rob Zombie sincerely tried to create strong, likeable female characters, but was doomed to failure because he is a man. Solution number two - The women were colorless and generic on purpose. I don't really understand why anyone would deliberately choose to create such boring, indistinguishable women, but I suppose that it might have something to do with the sexploitation aspect of the film. Is it perhaps an aspect of the exploitation to take all personality away from the women along with their bras and their dignity? Does it cause less guilt to fantasize about a woman if you know her only as a pair of anonymous boobs and not as an actual person?
Responses from anyone (particularly Rob Zombie) who feels that he or she can shed some light on these questions for me would be most welcome.
BARBARA JO
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