Summary
It's Hugh Grant and Hugh Grant in "The Parent Trap"! Hugh Grant, a guy who looks exactly like Hugh Grant, and a pair of saucy, Scottish sisters do battle with the ever-so-sexy Lady Sylvia Marsh and the giant phallic symbol (oops, I mean, snake) that is her god. One of the best pagan horror movies you're ever likely to see.
Warning! Spoilers ahead!
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Barbara's Rant
I have to admit that it isn't uncommon for me to watch a movie and not be able to tell all of the characters apart. It can get pretty confusing. When everyone in movies has to be beautiful and society has such a narrow definition of beauty, I suppose it's bound to happen. A male friend of mine that I went to see "Showgirls" with complained afterwards that he couldn't tell who was talking because they all looked the same. Of course, he was just looking at their boobs. Still, it seems that movie producers would do well to broaden their working definition of beauty, not only because it's morally wrong to train humanity to limit the forms in which they can appreciate beauty, but because I'm bored if I can't follow a movie because I don't know who's who, he's bored if he can't tell that he's seeing several different pair of breasts rather than just one set multiple times, and it's just bad business to bore your audience. The point that I am ever-so-slowly trying to make is that Hugh Grant and Peter Capaldi should never again be cast in the same movie. Now, I know Hugh Grant pretty well (not personally, of course; you know what I mean.) I even bought that copy of the Enquirer or the Weekly World News of whatever it was that had his picture on the cover about six or seven years ago. To this day, I'm not really sure why. That's the only tabloid I've ever bought in my life. And yet, the first time I saw this movie, I thought that Peter Capaldi was Hugh Grant (I was looking for Hugh Grant; his name was on the box.) until Hugh Grant himself showed up; then I was just confused for a while. At least their hair is different. Which actually makes it fairly easy to tell them apart, so forget I said anything. They do look an awful lot alike, though, don't you think?
Sorry, you wanted to talk about "The Lair of the White Worm," didn't you? What can I say? Any movie in which the hero not only arrives armed with bagpipes, but also takes the time to change into his kilt and full Scottish regalia before confronting the evil snake-priestess is aces in my book. I must say I'm a little confused about the workings of the virgin sacrifice, though. We know that the snake god eats whoever he can get his hands (so to speak) on, including Eve and Mary's father and that little youth hostel guy. (Well, he may have been a virgin, but I'm guessing the dad wasn't.) Therefore, I would expect the sacrifice of a virgin to entail something different. Apparently, it does usually involve an incantation and penetration by a priestess wearing a strap-on, but those are obviously not integral parts of the ceremony, as they can be dispensed with in the event of earthquake or interruption by an archaeologist in a kilt. The essential substance of the ceremony still consists of the snake eating the girl. Wouldn't you think that a religion as seductive and kinky as this one could come up with something more gruesome to do with virgins? Not that being raped by the priestess isn't gruesome, but I sort of assumed the god herself would want to get in on the act. By the way, my use of the word "herself" is not a manifestation of revisionist theology; I just think that any religion that involves as much lesbianism as this one is liable to have a female deity. Side note: All the lesbian scenes (and only those scenes) on the copy of this movie at my local video store are fuzzy from repeated viewing, so if any of you out there have an interest in lesbianism but don't like to be seen in that little room behind the curtain, this movie may be just the ticket. Don't worry; I'm not here to judge you.
I'd like to leave you with one final thought. In my review of "Sssssss" I suggested that Dr. Stoner, rather than just turning a man into a snake, should have tried his hand at making a snake-man. That's pretty much what Lady Marsh does in "The Lair of the White Worm." Wouldn't Dr. Stoner and Lady Marsh make a cute couple? I know that couples of different faiths often experience difficulties as a result, but I bet he'd be willing to convert for her, don't you think?
BARBARA JO
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