Frankensteins Bloody Nightmare (2006)
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Posted 2007-05-10

I don't normally do this, but I understood so little of this movie that I'm going to start with the director's description of the action.

"Brilliant young Victor Karlstein finds himself lost in an abyss of personal turmoil and professional stress after the woman he most likely seemed to love dies while under the care of his own mysterious medical facility. Determined to keep her alive, Victor uses his mechanically-enhanced reanimated corpse to murder young women in order to furnish "raw parts" for her new body, among other devious things."

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Cool Air (1999)
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Posted 2007-05-10

Lurker Films' "Cool Air" collection is certainly the most faithful set if Lovecraft adaptations I've ever seen, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. The feature film is, of course, Cool Air, based on the Lovecraft story of the same name. The DVD also includes four shorts, three of which are based directly on Lovecraft stories (The Hound, Nyarlathotep, and Herbert West: Reanimator, renamed "An Imperfect Solution" for this adaptation.) The fourth, The Hapless Antiquarian is a fun little comedic short inspired by Edward Gorey.

In Cool Air, impoverished writer Randolph Carter discovers some disturbing truths about death and the power of will through his relationship with the strange and reclusive Dr. Muñoz. In The Hound graverobbers learn the hard way why you shouldn't steal ancient amulets from cursed graves. Nyarlathotep is mostly mood, true to the original, but what plot there is involved an ancient Egyptian deity driving men mad. And An Imperfect Solution is really just one chapter of the Herbert West story, and if you don't already know that it involves loathsome experiments and reanimated corpses you should probably just go check out what's on cuteoverload today and not worry about it.

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Dead at the Box Office (2005)
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Posted 2007-03-18

After WWII (helpfully summarized during the opening credits for the benefit people who were under the impression that Hitler was a brand of dog food), a high-ranking Nazi scientist escapes to use his work in hypnosis and mind control to turn upstanding Americans into goosestepping automatons. Of course this fails miserably, but before he's captured he hides his mind control film in the ceiling of a projection room. Apparently very little maintenance goes on in that theater since the film is undisturbed for 50 years, until....

The film is found and stupidly shown before a midnight showing of Night of the Living Dead. The audience turns into zombies, Homeland Security locks down the theater, and the few survivors are trapped in the grand tradition (of course) of Night of the Living Dead. Unfortunately, the tone is either way too goofy or way too serious, take your pick. Either way, it doesn't work.

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Messiah of Evil (1973)
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Posted 2007-03-18

The willowy and oddly named Arletty travels to a remote coastal town to visit her father, a reclusive artist. When she arrives, she finds that he's covered just about every interior surface of his house with slightly creepy life-sized paintings of various townsfolk, who turn out to be no less odd and creepy in person. Instead of hightailing it out of there she sticks around to investigate, leading to an alliance of sorts with wealthy gad-about Thom, who is wandering around the county accompanied by a pair of buxom groupies. They discover a legend involving the titular messiah, whose return is causing the townsfolk to transform into flesh-hungry undead ghouls eagerly awaiting his reign of madness and evil. I think. It got a little unclear towards the end there.

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Drawing Blood (2005)
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Posted 2007-03-18

An insane serial killer escapes from his asylum and returns to the house where he was tormented by Robert Z'Dar as a young child. He lurks in the basement, killing everyone unfortunate enough to wander down the stairs - an appliance repairman, several drug addicts, a couple of nosy neighbors, and so forth. Meanwhile, Chief of Police Joe Estevez dispatches a pair of detectives to recapture the killer. They spend their time griping at each other, berating Robert Z'Dar, and stealing photos of Joe Estevez's dog. Eventually George, the man who actually owns the house (though you wouldn't know it, since he never locks the door), figures out that something is amiss.

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Dolls (1987)
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Posted 2007-03-01

Overtaken by a violent rainstorm while on the world's most ill-conceived family vacation (But then, do people in horror movies ever go on well-conceived family vacations?), David Bower, his wife Rosemary, and his young daughter Judy seek shelter in a nearby creepy old mansion. (People in horror movies also never experience car trouble or inclement weather near neat, non-threatening, suburban row houses.) David and Rosemary being among the most selfish, awful people ever, they naturally don't get along with the owners of the house, an odd elderly couple named Gabriel and Hilary Hartwicke. Precocious little Judy, on the other hand, quickly makes friends with the old folks, who turn out to be accomplished and extremely prolific toymakers.

The storm next chases a pair of exaggeratedly punk, overly sexual hitchhikers named Enid and Isabel into the mansion, accompanied by a kindly but bumbling young man named Ralph. Enid and Isabel are abysmally rude and greedy, but Ralph is sweet in a goofy, childlike sort of way. Gabriel takes Ralph and Judy on a tour of the mansion so they can exclaim with delight over the thousands of dolls and chat about how fabulous toys are and how awful it is that most adults have forgotten the simple joys of childhood.

Then everyone heads off to bed, except that Enid and Isabel decide to steal some stuff from Gabriel and Hilary, Judy decides she needs a glass of water, and all the dolls decide to come to life and beat the crap out of all the awful people.

The ending is actually surprisingly heartwarming.

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Fear of Clowns (2004)
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Posted 2007-03-01

Lynn Blodgett's life is going great. She's a successful artist. She exhibits in the most prestigious gallery in Baltimore (which sometimes bears a suspicious resemblance to the framing department at Michael's.) Her exhibit, "Clowns," draws unprecedented crowds after her assistant posts an announcement on www.ihateclowns.com (which actually does exist, by the way; I checked) in spite of the fact that I only saw maybe four or five paintings which were actually of clowns. She even meets a dashing young art-loving roller coaster designer named Tuck at the show.

Then her soon-to-be-ex-husband shows up at the gallery and her life takes a turn for the worse. Her husband wants sole custody of their son and child support and, since Lynn has the worst divorce lawyer in the history of the world, he might even get it. To make things worse, Tuck seems to be more obsessive stalker than Prince Charming. And, the final straw, she's being followed by a shirtless, bald, muscular clown with a battleaxe.

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Hannibal Rising (2007)
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Posted 2007-03-01

The young boy Hannibal Lecter, along with his beloved little sister Misha, was raised the pampered child of Lithuania nobility. As World War II sweeps across the continent, the family takes refuge in an isolated chalet, but they are quickly overtaken by the conflict. Hannibal and Misha watch their parents killed in a clash between German planes and a Russian tank, leaving Hannibal to care for his little sister as best he can. When their little chalet is invaded by renegade soldiers, however, Hannibal, only eight years old, is unable to withstand them. The soldiers chain up the children and take over the chalet.

As the winter wears on and supplies of food run out, the soldiers, grinning maniacally like witches in a fairy tale, once again begin to take notice of the plump little children cowering at the top of the stairs ...

Years later, teenage Hannibal is united with this last living relative, an aunt by marriage, Lady Murasaki. His aunt cares for him, gives him a home, instructs him in the martial arts. But all of her love cannot purge him of the memory of his childhood pain and Hannibal sets out to avenge the sister he could not protect.

In pretense, an exploration of the ghastly series of events that turned an innocent child into the remorseless, inhuman monster that we all know as Hannibal Lecter.

In actuality, a typical revenge killing flick, with little more depth than, say, Friday the 13th or Cherry Falls.

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It's My Party... And I'll Die If I Want To (2005)
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Posted 2007-02-11

Vapid Girl dumps Crazy Boyfriend and then skips town to go stay with a friend. Said friend decides that the way to cheer up Vapid Girl is to invite a bunch of people over, none of whom VG knows and all of whom have some kind of mad drama going on. Vapid Girl hooks up with Rebound Boy, Crazy Boyfriend crashes the party, the drama friends yell at each other and cry, leading to a conclusion that's only shocking because there are far too many people left alive.

In spite of its fun kitschy-horror title, this movie is not at all kitschy and barely qualifies as horror. It's five parts relationship drama to two parts arty camera work to one part death and mayhem. If that sounds tedious to watch, it is, and that's not even taking into account the misleading editing and bizarrely intrusive soundtrack. Although "soundtrack" doesn't exactly describe it, since this is ostensibly a musical, which means that the actors periodically interrupt their squabbling to awkwardly lip-sync to an assortment of pop hits. A similar selection of pop hits is also used for montages, background score, and music actually in the scene, the effect of which is both confusing and intrusive. On the plus side there's some nice highly shadowed noir-ish shots which make good use of the black and white, but it doesn't really matter since even if you wanted to find a copy of this movie, the blatantly illegal soundtrack ensures that it will never, ever be released on DVD.

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Rigor Mortis (2005)
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Posted 2007-02-08

A serial killer's victims come back as zombies to wreak their revenge.

(Short summary, I know, but the movie is only about seven minutes long. If you have a very small amount of free time and want to check it out, you can watch it online.)

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LovecraCked! The Movie (2006)
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Posted 2007-01-30

In short, a painfully bad, painfully unfunny, just plain painful indie anthology. To be avoided at all costs.

The framing story involves the world's most annoying investigative journalist doing his very worst Monty Python imitation. He's ostensibly delving into the myth surrounding the life of H.P. Lovecraft, which leads us into a series of totally unrelated short films hammered together to form a movie. The only decent segments were a couple of British shorts made by entirely different group of filmmakers, who really should have thought twice before agreeing to be associated with this mess. The rest is unfunny, tedious, and gross (annoying gross, not fun gross), and that's not even counting the ZOMBIE PORN which showed up without warning with actual people having actual sex, which I did not sign up for, thank you very much.

Or to put it another way, if you really love Troma movies but you think they're way too high-brow and sophisticated, this is totally the movie for you.

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Evil Behind You (2006)
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Posted 2007-01-30

We begin by watching an old filmstrip from the 1950's. A classic stolid, dry scientist lectures on the existence of another dimension parallel to our own. The graying hair at his temples and his clean white lab coat inspire confidence, but a hint of madness seems to lurk in the eyes masked by his big black glasses. We are given to understand that this enigmatic man disappeared under mysterious circumstances in 1952. When we learn that he has recently injected himself with a new serum he created to allow himself to see the beings that inhabit this alternate dimension, fascinating questions leap to the fore. How does death relate to this other dimension and how can we explain these things in the context of our own mysterious brains?

Unfortunately, after this auspicious beginning, the movie deteriorates rapidly.

Jump cut to the present day where we meet Lisa and Debra and their respective boyfriend and husband (respectively), David and Tony. They are locked in a grungy room, unable to remember how they got there and the two men, who have both apparently had recent ear surgery, are handcuffed to their beds. They react remarkably calmly to their captivity, and sit around squabbling pointlessly and having explanatory flashbacks for a while. Then the men flip out about invisible beings they perceive in the room, which are extremely cold, smell really bad, and want to kill everyone.

Then their captors put in an appearance and things go from bad to worse.

Their captors turn out to be bad stereotypes of Middle-Eastern terrorists with truly abysmal fake accents who have some sort of biowarfare plan which they can't put into effect until they have an effective antidote for themselves. Towards this end they have kidnapped a kindly Christian doctor (who happens to be the son of the 50's scientist I liked so much in the opening sequence) and his young son, whom they are using as a hostage to force his father to work for them. The remainder of the movie hints at the heavenly rewards that await those who practice Christian charity and forgiveness, but mostly emphasizes the hideous fate in store for those deluded individuals who have not embraced Christianity at the hands of nasty, skeletal, translucent demons.

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The Yellow Sign (2001)
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Posted 2007-01-30

Considering Tess Reardon's evident lack of poise and confidence and her business partner's abrasive manner, it's no wonder that their art gallery appears to be struggling. Tess's plan to turn things around is to follow hints from a recurring dream to the studio of reclusive artist Aubrey Scott. To Tess's delight, Aubrey agrees to do a show at her gallery, on the condition that she agrees to pose for his next work. Hesitant and slightly fearful, but eager to seal the deal, Tess agrees.

But she finds herself unable to keep her mind on her modeling. Staring at Aubrey's other paintings while he beguiles her with tales of far-off tribes and ancient rituals, Tess begins to perceive an image that transcends mere paint on canvas, transcends even the vague mythical transformative power that we so often attribute to great art. As Aubrey's painting nears completion while Tess delves further into the bizarre world of her dreams, will she perceive the truth in time to save herself?

The DVD this movie comes on (The Weird Tale Collection Volume 1, which I hope suggests future volumes) also includes two very short films - Tupilak and The King in Yellow - which I don't think I'll ever get around to writing about individually and I don't think they'll ever be available apart from this DVD collection, so I'll just briefly mention them here. Considering that the three movies were made by different people and even in different countries, they make for a remarkably cohesive collection. All three films are of relatively equal quality (very enjoyable but not earth-shattering) and all three strive for a similar brand of indistinct, unsettling, atmospheric horror. Plus, of course, all three are based on the works of Robert W. Chambers, that being the premise of the collection.

Tupilak is a charming little tale of madness in the mountains, while The King in Yellow is an odd little cyclical romp that starts and ends in just the sort of mystical bookshop that I've been seeking and fearing all my life. I recommend both shorts as enjoyable ways to wile away the five to ten minutes while you wait for your pasta water to boil. Or whatever.

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Reincarnation (2005)
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Posted 2007-01-21

After an opening credits sequence that looks like the background of Windows Media Player, the movie settles into the classic Japanese horror movie mode of wide-eyed heroine and spooky children.

Nagisa, a young Japanese actress, is cast in a horror movie based on a series of gruesome murders that occurred some twenty-odd years ago at a remote hotel. (Incidentally, this fictional movie-within-a-movie, based on true-events-within-a-movie, would doubtless annoy Barbara May if it were ever completed or actually existed.) As rehearsals and filming progress, Nagisa begins to feel a strange connection with the horrific events that occurred before she was born. Flowing between the present and the past, between dream and reality, Nagisa watches the murders take place, meets the apparitions of the victims, and even comes into possession of physical artifacts of the tragedy. As her surety of reality and of her own identity becomes increasingly tenuous, Nagisa desperately tries to unravel her connection to the victims and to the killer.

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Feast (2005)
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Posted 2007-01-21

A bunch of annoying cardboard-cutout characters are trapped in an overly large and well-decorated dive bar set in the middle of a desert by a bunch of slightly goofy, very gross, and extremely hungry aliens. The usual "strangers trapped by monsters" squabbling is broken up by a series of increasingly nasty deaths and confusing camera work. The narrative flow, such as it is, is further interrupted the repeated intrusion of omniscient narrator title cards, telling us the characters' non-names (such as "Boss Man" and "Harley Mom"), as well as inaccurate and snarky assessments of their personalities and life expectancies. A pointless cameo by Jason Mewes might add some interest if you happen to remotely care about Jason Mewes.

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The Guardians (2006)
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Posted 2006-12-10

A bunch of big scary demons (of the monstrous grotesque variety, not the horns and pitchfork variety) are on the loose.

Some sort of secret organization, halfway between the Men in Black and whatever organization it is that Hugh Jackman works for in Van Helsing, sends out its crack team to stop them. This team, which is headed by a smaller, pointier version of Bruce Campbell, must retrieve a magic book from their arch nemesis, an evil wizard and former member of their organization, in order to banish the demons back to whence ever they came thereby saving the townsfolk (headed up by a feisty female police recruit) who are huddled together in the local high school.

Incidentally, I apologize for the fact that I am unable to refer to any of the characters by name. I saw this movie at a film festival, but failed to note down anyone's name and now I am unable to find any evidence of this movie online.

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A Bothered Conscience (2006)
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Posted 2006-12-10

A surprisingly compelling (if slightly disjointed) story of a father (Keller McGavin) and a son (Lucas), of the land and the oddly-painted mobile home they both love, and of the atrocities they commit to defend their land from hikers and hunters, from drug dealers and the local sheriff.

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Frogs (1972)
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Posted 2006-12-10

Run, the nature footage is attacking!

More specifically, a manly (but sensitive) environmentalist stumbles into an invitation to the Crockett family mansion, located on a bucolic but frog-infested island. The Crocketts are spending their annual 4th-of-July reunion bickering, waiting for Granddad to die so they can fight over his inheritance, and destroying nature with assorted pesticides and poisons. Nature, having had enough of this nonsense, starts picking off Crocketts one by one.

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Calvaire (2004)
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Posted 2006-12-10

The world's most depressing lounge singer (Marc Stevens), after giving a concert at the world's most depressing nursing home, manages to get completely lost in the back country while on his way to his next (presumably depressing) gig. He winds up at the world's most depressing country inn, which is entirely deserted except for him and the voluble and overly-friendly innkeeper (M. Bartel). He is mostly unmoved by getting stuck in the world's most depressing village until he finally, belatedly realizes that M. Bartel and in fact the entire village have more than a few screws loose, if you know what I mean. Dark, depressing (but arty!) mayhem ensues. I hated it.

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The Lonely Ones (2006)
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Posted 2006-12-10

A cohort of sorority girls disappear while on a giggly getaway at a cabin in the remote woods.

So obviously nothing good is in store for the next gang of twenty-somethings that head to the backwoods to drink, google, and have sex.

Actually, nothing good would have been in store for them, even without the atrocities that lurk in wait for them in the idyllic shadows of the trees. These people certainly don't know each other or like each other well enough to be taking vacations together. On top of that, Cid is hoping to use this trip as a way to reconcile with his ex-girlfriend, Rinoa (who gives off a strong Jennifer Aniston vibe), probably a lost cause from the start, considering that Cid seems to have the emotional maturity of an orangutan, certainly unlikely to succeed while surrounded by tequila-swigging idiots.

The real action takes a while to get up to speed, so be prepared to sit through too much boozing and relationship talking and lame ghost stories, but the second half is pretty fun, if a little choppy.

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